wet, wet june

drizzly again. reminds me of my ol' seattle days. a soft melancholy haze with a hovering gray. but the rain here is more feisty and prefers to fall in sheets. hopefully, it will lighten up today.

baby girl is over 10 and 1/2 pounds! doing great. looking great. just want to eat her up, she's so stinkin' cute. she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. damn, damn, damn.

mom is doing better too. thankfully. the best time i had with her in the icu was singing along with her old favorite songs. mack the knife. i'll take manhattan. clang clang clang went the trolley. misty. she's an amazing woman. a true survivor. my suspicion is that she will live for another 20 years or more, she's so resilient! god willing. it is my hope that she's able to see our daughter grow up.

start my new job next week. looking forward to more change. as if there's not enough. calvin's done with his 1st year of medical school. i am so deeply proud of him.

back to our (somewhat, not really) normal life

on our way back to NYC tomorrow night. mom is doing alright.

this trip has been equal parts horrible and marvelous. incredibly difficult to see my mom in such discomfort and disarray but it has been wonderful to spend time with my sister and her family. her three girls are impossibly adorable. we've had a lot of fun with all of them - despite the sobering tone of the visit.

i hope mom gains the strength to improve. she'll need to maintain an extremely positive attitude which, at times, has been very challenging. she and i have so much in common and one thing we both love to do is talk. it's extremely frustrating for her right now. she probably won't be able to speak for another month or so.

she'll have to be admitted to a rehab facility next week. probably for a few months. i hope and pray no longer than that.

baby girl has been doing well. i can't believe she's four weeks old!!

surprise surprise

just when you thought you were completely stressed out, there's more stress. just when you thought you couldn't be any more tired, there's a whole new level of tired. and just when you thought it couldn't get any more depressing, it does.

looks like mom will have to receive tracheotomy surgery tomorrow. removal of the ventilator didn't go well and this is the best option for her, long-term. so we've been told.

i feel disconnected to the outside world. not used to feeling so ... upended.

baby girl seems fussier than usual. don't think she likes the 112 degree heat. i almost forgot what this intense heat feels like (over 12 years since i've lived here) ... it's amazingly oppressive.

mom

things got worse on wednesday and i had to fly out to phoenix that same day. she's still stable but not looking good. it's a roller coaster ride. sometimes it looks hopeful. most of the time, it's grim. calvin's here with our baby girl. it's chaotic, stressful and exhausting but nothing compared to what my mom is going through.

good news

havent been able to go back to sleep after baby's 2am feeding but at least things are looking up for mom. she's breathing 50% on her own which is 50% better than yesterday morning. her blood pressure has lowered and she looks more alert, from what i've been told. oh, relief. i hope the good news keeps on comin'.

pink elephants

bought the new "BIG TOP" edition of DUMBO. really more for me than for my new daughter. naturally, she has a few years before she can grasp movie-watching but it is my favorite little kids' movie and thought she'd enjoy growing up with it. of course, i'm just looking forward to watching it again. although the emotional parts of the film about being separated from Mom ... might be tough.

no major updates on my mom. she's stable. that word again. i might need to fly out to the hometown country soon ...

calvin and i watched our wedding video last night over pizza and wine. had more fun doing that than going to a fancy restaurant. haven't watched it in a while and it was great to see again. only 2 years ago but so much has changed. calvin's completing his 1st year of med school this week and here we have an almost 3-week old baby girl. sometimes, the life i have is astounding to me. especially if i look at it from the perspective of my old teenage self. this is what i always pictured, more or less. but here it is. in full color and dimension. happening. right now.

most days - i feel like the luckiest man on earth. now let's just pray my mom pulls through this challenging period.

one ... singular sensation

difficult to write today. mom not doing well. i'm finding escape in the movies on tv.

watching the atrocious "a chorus line" brings back scary memories of me and my dad seeing that movie back in '85 in the theatre. looking back, i can't quite imagine how it all went down but somehow he asked me, at the tender age of 13, which movie i'd like to see with him. we were on one of our father/son excursions in the aftermath of my parents' separation. i gotta give it to 'im. he tried to connect with me, tried to make an effort to get to know me. and there i was. picking one of the worst movies ever made. "Let me DANCE for you ... we made a lot of music, you and iiiiiiiiiiiiii." with gay chorus boys and drag queens talking about being molested. he must have felt ... a little ... awkward. perhaps.

but not as awkward as, later, when i brought home videos for me to watch with my mom and my brother. "'i've heard the mermaids singing" and "prick up your ears". yeah, those didn't go over very well. honestly, i wasn't aware at the time that they were both gay-themed movies. perhaps they spoke to me on some subconscious level in the video store. "pick me! i'll scare your mother and freak out your brother. i'll make you feel like a real film aficionado too and then you can stew to yourself: no one gets me!!" that's exactly what the videos said to me. of course, at that age, "prick up your ears" scared me too. um, still does actually.

waiting for news on mom. outlook is not good but trying to stay positive.

baby is doing very well. it is a crazy existence, i must say. i just took her out in the bjorn so i could have some adult human contact. even if it's just with the crazy duane reade cashier. as long as i get my fix (large iced coffee) and some fresh air. she loves the bjorn - falls asleep right away. now, we're back home, trying to get her back to sleep. wish us luck.

calvin and i got married 2 years ago today. :)

the telly

somehow, i've become addicted to "entourage" and the history channel. the latter i can easily understand - i love nerdy doc-style shows on actual events. be it the civil war, sinking of titanic, walking with cavemen, anything to do with the jfk assassination ... but "entourage"?? i guess it qualifies as a guilty pleasure because i just don't quite fully comprehend the appeal of the show. all the main characters are a-holes (except i do have a soft spot for turtle ... he's just a nice guy from queens) and most of the women characters (obviously the publicist is an exception) are written mostly as interchangeable vacuous twits (oh and excluding ari's wife. love her). i'm sure the show is just lightly tapping into my subconcious dreams of being rich and famous in LA. which i dont think i'd necessarily enjoy except for the giant house in malibu.

and then it hits me. why am i even thinking about all of this? well, this is what happens when you stay home with a newborn. it's true escapism.

my mom is not recovering very well. she is "stable" which is hospital-speak for "hangin' in there" (which never sounds promising after surgery) but all of us are trying our best to stay positive and hopeful. she is having trouble breathing, her lungs aren't getting enough oxygen, so she's unable to speak. she may be back on a ventilator soon.

so ... i'm really far away from home and am unable to speak with her directly. and the nurse just told me earlier today that too many of us (relatives) are calling the hospital, so i must refrain from doing so ...... great. that helps a lot. not like i feel helpless or anything.

back to the telly. i saved a show about those curious little human hobbits on the dvr.

always changing

our baby daughter looks a little different every day. wild how she keeps reinventing herself, all those brand new skin cells - working hard, night and day. she still has the scrumptious cheeks but her eyes seem to be getting bigger and more expressive. she is, i must admit (forgive me), a gorgeous baby.

i can't believe two weeks have already passed. the baby schedule has become almost routine. after her 11pm or so feeding, which i usually do, we all crash. then of course she wakes up around 2 or 3AM wantin' more. that's my feeding too - while calvin is still in school. then he gets up for the 6 or 7 (sometimes 5) AM feeding before his class starts at 8. and so on. every three hours or so.

everything is looking good though. she is healthy and eating well. this stage is odd though. no smiling, laughing - all those things babies do in the movies. she's just a little peanut who stares or cries or sleeps or moans or winces. it's easy to forget that this is exactly what newborns do - and nothing more.

looking forward to the smiles and laughs down the road ...

sugar ... and spice

i like how the old phrase doesn't just stop at sugar. little girls are not just sweet and lovely. this little girl adds so much spice to life here. in the best possible sense.

she loves the swing, especially when its on the absolute highest speed. it looks a little daunting but i guess she's been used to moving around a lot in her momma's tummy. who knows, she may be a roller coaster fanatic someday. she sleeps very well at night now that i have a little radio playing static next to her. i heard it replicates the sounds of the womb.

i can't believe she's over a week old already!! how time escapes us.

separated at birth?