2 Dads

You know your life is chaotic when ...

2007-10-11T11:38:00.000-04:00

a trip to the dentist for a teeth cleaning is the most realxing "alone" time you get all week.

forgive me

2007-09-30T14:50:00.000-04:00

... if i repeat myself. not sure if anyone reads this blog anyway but, for the record, i rarely if ever tend to look back at past postings. so: dejavu perhaps - -

More New Stuff

The kid says Papa. Not exactly to me but damn straight she knows who Papa is.

She can ride a scooter. I wouldn't believe it myself had I not seen it. Only 16 months old - going on ten years.

She loves to dance. Watch out if you say "Happy Feet". She'll go off like Gregory Hines.

She loves to brush her teeth.

Polar Bears

2007-09-12T10:48:00.000-04:00

I wonder what all the millions of people driving around in their SUVs while their children watch arctic tale or the polar express in the back seat think of this.

new stuff

2007-09-11T19:29:00.000-04:00

the kid says moo when asked
what does a cow say?
A+ there
the funny, and best, part is when
you ask her what a duck says ...
she responds with a ccckkkrrrkk
as if she is trying to cough up a hairball

she motions with a threatening claw and a roar
when asked about lions
of course, tigers and bears kind of sound the same too

she is running around like a full grown 2 year old
climbing, or at least attempting to climb (everything)
is the new thing

she also has a new laugh.
deep and gutteral - bawdy.

she had steak the other night and loved it.
been eating like a champ lately.

i lied. the best part about any of this
is that she just starting saying papa.
(i'm papa and calvin is daddy).
my heart melts every time.

just got her a new toothbrush.
now that she has so many teeth, almost a whole mouthful
and eating steak and all
hers is a small electric one, just like ours
hers is actually miniature and runs on one AA battery, it is perfect really
my favorite morning ritual now is to brush teeth together - she loves it too

she is changing and growing so fast

she says choo-choo for all things that move
car, bus, subway
close enough, i say

superbad

2007-08-24T12:55:00.000-04:00

saw the film last weekend with a dear friend. it made me laugh. a lot. but, at the heart, it was such an adorably nerdy love story between two male pals. so sweet. fascinating, too, that high schoolers don't seem to change much - at least not their cinematic portrayals. i love looking back at clueless, heathers, breakfast club, better off dead, even way back to rebel without a cause. almost always, it is still the social awkwardness, the struggle for identity which drives the stories.

only recently did i see say anything for the first time. such a good film. john cusack used to be so great.

the kid is fifteen months tomorrow! she is doing really well. incredibly vivacious. she got a new pony today. no, not a real one. a cute little rocking pony, the radio flyer kind. it is simply awesome. she joyfully rides like a real cowboy.

Desperately Seeking ...

2007-08-07T11:40:00.000-04:00

Looking for something ludicrous and funny?

Or, perhaps, sexy and funny?

or just plain awesome?

You're welcome!

14 months. And counting.

2007-08-06T10:08:00.000-04:00

i was shaving this morning, as i do every monday before work. i was rushing a bit. calvin had already left for the hospital and our little gal was perched in her highchair.

one of the few benefits of a tiny apartment is the convenient proximity of everything inside. she can eat her breakfast while i shower and get ready, each of us able to see the other throughout. as my blades seem to slightly pull, i could sense that a powerful silence came over the apartment. i turned and looked at my daughter, smushed berries spread about on her tray and dripping from her cheek. she was staring so intently at me, at my shaving, at my smooth, quick stroking and the immediate rinsing. i froze. in that moment, it was as if i could feel her growing up right in front of me.

What Really Scares Me

2007-07-27T10:30:00.000-04:00

I don't fear too many things. I can handle a screaming 14-month old with relative ease. I'm not a huge fan of sharks, snakes or spiders but the thought of their attacks don't keep me up at night. This is what scares the bloody bejesus out of me. I mean: WHAT. THE. HELL.

time flies

2007-06-06T11:31:00.001-04:00

ok, so i could not let six months pass before i posted again. so i just let 4+ months pass ... not that long, really.

of course, much has happened:

- it snowed some more

- some astronaut lady lost her mind

- anna nicole smith died

- the kid started walking in early march

- she became our legally adopted daughter in late march

- she is now dancing and singing and screaming. a lot.

- calvin took the boards in mid-may; the kid turned 1

- some guy has TB

that's about it.

we've been really enjoying this age. she seems so extremely curious about absolutely everything, loves books, cracks herself up all the time, loves her new dolls, adores bath time, eats EVERYTHING. did i mention she has 12 teeth already?

thank god summer is more or less here. her new season wardrobe is pretty fab.

Good Morning, Snow!

2007-01-19T07:32:00.000-05:00

Waking up to our first snowfall of the season. Late but as magical and stirring as ever. Our daughter's first snow! She's babbling her own secret baby language right now, as if to the snow itself.

2007-01-18T16:33:00.000-05:00

I forgot some highlights:

Jan 6, 2007
This was the day when New York City hit 70 degrees. I wore a t-shirt and shorts in Central Park. Very bizarre. Reminded me of the old General Hospital days in the early 80s when the crazy villain had an evil weather machine. Even though he wanted to freeze the entire world ... every time the weather is extreme in either direction, it makes me think of this classic soap plot line. I used to watch with my sister.

There was something else ...

Man, my thoughts have become disjointed.

Re-cap

2007-01-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

Wow, I've found it harder to keep up on the blog than I imagined. Here's some recapping of the last few weeks:

Christmas
We had a nice, quiet holiday. No room for a tree this year! Of course, our baby girl was a big fan of crumpled giftwrapping paper and ribbons. Moreso than the gifts. She was lucky and got all sorts of sweet lil' outfits, books and toys. We're lucky to have such generous family and friends.

We had a little holiday outing and strolled on over to rockefeller center to see the big tree. very fun despite the circus of tourists everywhere. timing worked out that we had to feed her on a bench right near the tree. it was a lovely scene.

New Year's Eve
she was a true party girl, staying up an hour late and wearing one of those fun, cheesy tiaras. we had a great time with friends, just down the street.

2007
damn. how did this happen? so many things happening in the year ahead: my daughter will turn 1 in may. calvin will enter his 3rd year of medical school this summer. he and i will celebrate 9 years together in august. i'll turn 36 in december. okay. one thing at a time.

our lil' girl just keeps on growing. almost standing up on her own, not quite crawling, more like scooting around. lots of happy screaming and babbling. she has so much energy and is curious about EVERYTHING.

she still sleeps through the night (my god, we're so lucky!) about 11 hours each night and eating well. started "solids" last month. big fan of apples, not so much of peas. very healthy and happy.

gotta say, i'm really enjoying fatherhood. it seems to suit me at this time in my life. she's a fun kid. cracks herself up sometimes. definitely makes us laugh.

the paperwork and legal process should be completed soon regarding the adoption finalization. wow. it think i started this blog a year ago ...

Whew

2006-12-22T08:44:00.000-05:00

ok, so it's been a busy month ... I've failed to update the blog mostly because of my new job demands which, while much more complex and, um, demanding than my old job, are also much more enjoyable and rewarding.

i've also been victim of a nasty stomach flu virus and a relentless chest cold (both of which inflicted all 3 of us to varying degrees). excuses, excuses, i know - but let's just say that much of this month has been an untimely blur.

the good news is we're all back on the mend and enjoying the holiday break. our nanny has 2 weeks off, as of last friday, as do we (me from work, calvin from school). we're spending a lot of time (cynics beware) cuddling, tickling and laughing on the bed - just a big pile of a little family.

who knew this would happen?? just a year ago, we were behind in submitting our adoption paperwork. and now, we have a gorgeous girl who will turn 7 months old on christmas day.

i must say this child of ours is so lovable, so scrumptious, so intensely funny and unpredictable - i fall deeper and deeper in love with her, and with being a dad. and (cynics, you're probably all gone by now, but again beware) frankly, my falling in love with calvin over and over, more and more, reaches whole new complex (yet profoundly simple) levels. i wish i was more capable of articulating the feeling. but seeing him as a father is as close to bliss as i've known.

last night, our daughter was cracking herself up, in a true laughing fit that reached operatic proportions. it started out small, as i was making silly faces and playing peek-a-boo. then she started making sounds never heard before and just LOST IT. i was crying, i was laughing so hard. i'm going to try to recreate the whole episode, just to make calvin laugh.

i turned 35 recently and couldn't feel more content on where my immediate family life is and where it's going. of course, i am far from having my dream job and we're still struggling in a lot of ways (and my extended family always seems to attract drama) but overall i am just colossally grateful and enjoying it. even the routine of it all.

sadly, we haven't been able to see too many movies since volver. we had a chance one afternoon and escaped to see the departed, which we both thoroughly enjoyed but it's violence is certainly disturbing to the core. still hoping to fit the christopher guest flick in sometime soon.

watching lots of daily shows and ugly bettys (the best new show on TV!). oh, how i love justin, the young nephew of betty who is already a fashionista extraordinaire. i was never that schooled in fashion at that age but i was extremely similar and can relate eerily well to the character. i was more of a musical-theatre-ista when i was a kid. probably the only kid in my junior high school who knew all the lyrics to both duran duran and west side story.

i'm having fun putting together CDs for our baby girl. lots of marvin gaye, stevie wonder, B-52s, blondie, goldfrapp, david bowie, james brown, madonna, keane, gwen stefani, chaka khan ... fun stuff. and then there's the naptime CDs: k.d. lang, willie nelson, blossom dearie, death cab for cutie, roberta flack, rufus wainwright ...

she's starting eating apples, carrots, pears - you know, the mushed up stuff in jars. she loves her food. i bet she'll start crawling any day now.

the six month point

2006-11-18T16:44:00.000-05:00

i can't believe our daughter will be six months old next saturday.

this is such a remarkable age. so much laughing, smiling and (not that i mind) joyful shrieking. lucky for us, there's little crying and plenty of sleep.

i really do think she is the cutest baby. EVER.

just saw volver. if ever you pined for a combination of hitchcockian and queer aesthetics (like i surely have) almodovar is your answer. how he makes frivolity and melodrama so beautiful and real, i'll never know. and cheers to penelope. the oscar buzz started months ago ...

next on my movie list: for your consideration

Gay Animals

2006-11-17T21:42:00.000-05:00

This article is no surprise but, I have to admit, still made me say 'wow'.

love this site

2006-11-06T15:14:00.000-05:00

the sartorialist

this song pretty much says it all

2006-10-31T14:23:00.000-05:00

Such a feelin's comin' over me
There is wonder in most everything I see
Not a cloud in the sky
Got the sun in my eyes
And I won't be surprised if it's a dream

Everything I want the world to be
Is now coming true especially for me
And the reason is clear
It's because you are here
You're the nearest thing to heaven that I've seen

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

Something in the wind has learned my name
And it's tellin' me that things are not the same
In the leaves on the trees and the touch of the breeze
There's a pleasin' sense of happiness for me

There is only one wish on my mind
When this day is through I hope that I will find
That tomorrow will be just the same for you and me
All I need will be mine if you are here

I'm on the top of the world lookin' down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I've found ever since you've been around
Your love's put me at the top of the world

Goldfrapp

2006-10-27T11:37:00.000-04:00

I'm lucky enough to have a dear friend who got 2 tickets to the recent Goldfrapp concert at Roseland. Lucky, that is, to be her date for the night. What, me take a night off from being Papa? Oh yes. It was rad. Yes, RAD.

The performance was electric - very Blondie/Missing Persons/with a little Bette Midler from The Rose thrown in (okay, only her hair). I personally fell in love with the back-up dancers who were, at one point, wearing giant mirrored horse heads and silver unitards. Not that I'm going to get all Equus on you, it was just the perfect mixture of beauty and absurd theatre.

I saw Rufus Wainwright at the bar, at one point, and foolishly went up to him and chatted for a bit. He was nice, cordial really. But guarded. Who can blame him? I'm sure he just wanted to enjoy his buzz like everyone else.

Baby Update: Our little girl has her 2nd tooth and is now starting to sit up. And she's going to be a flower for Halloween.

... seriously

2006-10-13T09:41:00.000-04:00

yesterday, she rolled over for the first time. the joke now is she'll be taking her SATs by next week.

like a little fang

2006-10-12T10:48:00.000-04:00

ok, so she doesn't look like the cartoon here at all (it just makes me laugh ... ) but yes, our baby girl has her very first tooth.

she's been handling it very well, not losing any sleep over it anyway. amazing how she keeps growing and evolving, changing right before our eyes. i guess 4 1/2 months is pretty early for teeth, but she does seem like an over-achiever already - in so many ways.

Jury Duty

2006-09-29T10:41:00.000-04:00

so i was called earlier this week to serve on a jury. what a great social experiment and an uncanny mixture of diverse people. a small room in manhattan, packed with 30 different potential jurors and two attorneys. a million times more of a mixed bag than, say, 12 Angry Men, the most famous flick about jury duty.

one thing i hadn't considered was that i would be required to come out to all these strangers. i'm sure it's obvious to the average observer that i'm not quite straight, but it's not something that often crosses my mind. so when one of the (classic, smarmy) lawyers asked me in front of the whole group, "what does your wife do for a living?", it actually made me a little nervous and a little proud to respond "oh, i don't have a wife. i have a boyfriend."

of course, no one really even cared, but it was one of those moments where i felt a little weird and exposed for being different, but also really thrilled and relieved that i'm not like everybody else. then, it turns out that the next guy who was interviewed - also gay. just when i thought i cornered the token gay guy in the room, i had some major competition. luckily, i wasn't chosen to be on the case. come to think of it, neither was the other gay man. hmmmmmm.

Baby girl is 4 months old and looking great. Big, huge smiles. Loves to "fly" around like an airplane.

Same Questions, but now for Movies

2006-09-27T16:55:00.000-04:00

1. One movie you've seen more than once: Groundhog Day

2. One movie you'd want on a desert island (the projector, screen and electricity or DVD player/electricity is of course, magically, included): Groundhog Day

3. One movie that made you laugh: Wedding Crashers

4. One movie that made you cry: Lili

5. One movie that you wish you had made: In the Mood For Love

6. One movie that you wish had never been made: Crash

7. Most recent movie watched: Sabrina. The 50s version with Audrey Hepburn & Bogart.

8. One movie you have been meaning to see: anything by Bergman.

9. One movie that changed your life: Another Woman

10. in place of tagging, i'm going to list 5 movies that i saw this year (in a theatre) that i'd recommend:

Thirteen and Holding
Inside Man
Little Miss Sunshine
The Illusionist
Poseidon ... Yes, Poseidon!

eating babies

2006-09-27T09:20:00.000-04:00

i meant to tackle this subject weeks ago ... so, why do so many people generally comment on wanting to eat babies?

"Oh, she's so cute, I could just eat her up!"
"I could nibble on those cheeks for days!"
"She's so yummy!"
"Oh, I want to bite those chubby legs!"

These are just a few of the many comments we've heard (and said) about our own daughter. My theory is simple.
Here's an excerpt from an Entertainment Weekly interview with Nicole Kidman from early 2003:

And while much has been made of her on-screen kiss with
[Miranda] Richardson (which carries with it enough rage, desperation, and
passion to rival brothers Michael and Fredo's in The Godfather
Part II), Kidman says it was key to understanding her character.
"[During rehearsals] I'd hold Miranda's hand and lie on her and
stroke her skin, but you need that to create the sisters, because
there was such a union," Kidman says. "I'm always baffled when
people say, 'Explain the kiss.' Isn't that obvious? The kiss is
her trying to suck the life out of Vanessa; she's so desperate
for her to stay."

It seems to me that we often keenly sense the unbridled life in a baby. The pure joy, the pure anger, the peace. And we want to own that purity. I don't think we want this perversely or even desperately but we are (almost all of us) full of feelings of impurity, inhibition and incompleteness. So, when confronted with such a powerful display of the opposite, a newborn baby, our instinct is to absorb it, to consume it.

Yes, I think this happens almost always subconciously and No, I don't think this makes us all potential witches. The same could be said for most kisses (as described above). They are physical actions, manifestations, of a very real and a very decent desire for a powerful and joyous energy. It is only natural for us to want this. It could even be said that it is only natural for babies to share this joy with all of us. Perhaps that's the whole point.

And when you get right down to it, it's about love. And who doesn't love a cute baby with chubby cheeks and an adorable grin? It sort of gets you, right in the gut.

Gypsy

2006-09-22T10:16:00.000-04:00

seems our baby girl is a fan of one of the best musicals of all time (and one most stereotypically-associated with gay sensibilities). I just can't subject her to kid's tunes all day, so enter Ethel ... and the rest of them ... Patti, Angela, Betty, Bernadette, then there's Judy and of course Barbra.

I still remember my mom singing Animal Crackers in my soup and Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf from Barbra's early albums when I was a lil' tyke... Barry Manilow also figured prominently. explains alot.

favorite new song

2006-09-18T20:27:00.000-04:00

get myself into it

the rapture

the everything update

2006-09-10T15:20:00.000-04:00

today: my daughter fell asleep on my chest for 2 hours and 15 mintues. calvin, to protect her precious slumber, fed me lunch as if i were bedridden. delectable.

what i'm reading: joan didion's the year of magical thinking. i wish all books were as engrossing and illuminating. can't seem to escape her candid, wrenching and simple words for more than an hour at a time. keeps me thinking of mom's recent stay at the ICU and her constant shuffling from home to hospital to facility and back 'round again. also, makes me think of the many parents of friends who have passed away over the last year.

mom's doing better.

calvin has been back in school now for 2 weeks. big quiz tomorrow. still has the grossest stories imaginable from his anatomy lab. i'll spare you those.

saw hollywoodland last night. (thank god for michelanne, babysitter extraordinaire!) surprised - no, shocked - that ben affleck won the top acting award at venice for this performance. he's good which, in and of itself, is saying volumes. but he's not brilliant. of course, the only reason to see the movie is diane lane. and of course all those fantastic fabrics from the 50s (not just the chic clothes, but those drapes!) the desingers had fun on this flick.

and as for project runway, he's finally gone! cheers.

suri cruise

2006-09-08T12:41:00.000-04:00

i think she looks just like tom and katie actually ... and i was one of those who believed she didn't really exist.

but just like other celeb kids, i feel sorry for her already. her soon-to-be distorted view of the world. her nutty parents and the colossal media machine that surrounds them, the lack of normalcy she'll have. and the ridiculously high expectations she'll have waiting for her.

... but then, she probably already has her own helicopter. that'd be nice.

Kill As Few Patients As Possible

2006-09-02T13:22:00.000-04:00

the title of a book in the window of calvin's medical school bookstore. i pass it all the time and it always makes me smile.

more joy

2006-08-29T20:00:00.000-04:00

a few more things i thought of that bring me bursts of joy:

watching men's tennis
my daughter falling asleep on my chest
old movies, especially fluff musicals and classic love stories

... and so many reasons to adore kelly clarkson. now here's one more.

i love surfing the channels and coming across an old gem. today, i remembered why and when i fell in love with both lili taylor and river phoenix. in the movie dogfight. if you haven't seen it, netflix it asap. it simmers with awkward, pained love in a restrained and artful way.

so, my daughter is a big fan of day-o, the banana boat song. spent part of today gathering lyrics from all over the internet because i realized that i don't remember the words to most songs. i'm a big fan of that song too. as well as if i only had a brain, such a charming classic:

I could while away the hours
Conferrin with the flowers
Consultin with the rain
And my head i'd be scratchin
While my thoughts were busy hatchin
If i only had a brain

I'd unravel any riddle
For any individd-el
In trouble or in pain
With the thoughts i'd be thinkin
I could be another lincoln
If i only had a brain

Oh, i could tell you why
The ocean's near the shore
I could think of things i never thunk before
And then i'd sit and think some more

I would not be just a nothin
My head all full of stuffin
My heart all full of pain
Perhaps i'd deserve you
And be even worthy erve you
If i only had a brain

small pleasures

2006-08-28T21:47:00.000-04:00

in this nutty world, it's important to focus on the tiny, loyal (although, many times, imperceptible) harbingers of joy:

my daughter's cooing
iced coffee
ny times sunday magazine section, the ethicist
project runway
macaroons
my favorite pair of socks
keane
entourage (nice to see jeremy piven win the emmy)
eggplant parmigiana
the post's real estate section, every thursday
the inkspots
pizza - from nina's or liberta
the daily show
the trees of central park
hazelnut gelato
the b-52s
date nights with calvin
my lazy day pj's
nice, bright, sunny summer days
quiet moments in the city

red tape drama

2006-08-28T09:09:00.000-04:00

lots going on back home in AZ. mom was released from the lifecare facility and returned home - by herself - for two days. as can be expected, that didn't go well. now, she's back at the hospital and soon to be back at lifecare. the poor woman, mostly because of bureaucratic red tape, is being shuffled around like an ellis island immigrant. but, luckily, she is doing much better, health-wise.

we hired a nanny. she's vivacious and wonderful and i can only hope she stays with us for a very long time, and that it all works out. we interviewed about six or so women and the entire process was pretty surreal.

this never fails to make me smile:
The Original 1969 Sesame Street version of Mah-Nah-Mah-Nah

ok, here it is guys ...

2006-08-24T08:18:00.000-04:00

1. One book you have read more than once: dan savage's the kid. very enlightening. but lately, it's been more like the grouchy ladybug and go, dog, go!

2. One book you would want on a desert island: e.e.cummings: complete poems

3. One book that made you laugh: madonna: an intimate biography by j. randy taraborrelli

4. One book that made you cry: hamlet

5. One book that you wish you had written: the bhagavad gita

6. One book that you wish had never been written: the bible

7. One book you are currently reading: jon stewart's naked pictures of famous people

8. One book you have been meaning to read: madeleine albright's the mighty and the almighty

9. One book that changed your life: philip roth's sabbath's theater

10. Now Tag 5 Bloggers ... madonna paris bjork night linnet

the worst crime: to be boring

2006-08-24T07:51:00.000-04:00

poor, poor robert. it's as if his heart wasn't in it anymore. i enjoyed him on the show (yes, project runway) but geeeez, enough already. his outfit resembled j.c. penney circa 1980. something liz taylor wore in her more zaftig days. maybe he wanted to be auf'd!

i truly don't understand why vincent won. his dress was like a student's first assignment - just like all his outfits. and angela ... ugh. she looked as if she was still working on the first challenge (making clothes from lampshades and drapes ...)

i'm still a big fan of michael's and uli's. i've enjoyed her expertise with patterns from the beginning ... and she's kind of adorable. i thought uli should have won. and kayne is really starting to annoy. that tight, evil smile on the runway? scary.

So - my leave from work has started again and, this week, it overlaps with calvin's last week before school starts. We actually saw a movie yesterday. "The Illusionist". Pretty good flick. Old-fashioned and a touch cheesy here and there but I liked it. We got a great babysitter for the afternoon.

Baby girl is doing fantastically well. Probably 15 lbs. by now and turns 3 months old tomorrow! She is very focused on everyone's faces, smiles alot and holds her neck up very strongly, always turning around to see what's about. very curious gal. and amazing how much she sleeps. she still clocks in about 10 hours each night. roughly 10pm to 8am. then she'll take about 3 naps a day. about 1 to 2 hours each, sometimes more ... got to love that.

Kara Janx

2006-08-19T19:18:00.000-04:00

i don't usually hang out at barney's on a saturday afternoon, but the three of us were stollering our way through the $585 sweaters and the $180 t-shirts just for fun today. i was actually on the hunt for shoes and almost sprang for a pair of olive green john varvatos/converse, but changed my mind ... anyway, as fate would have it (if i believed in fate) calvin rammed the stroller right into an attractive woman at the customer service counter, purchasing shoes or something, and it was none other than Project Runway - Season 2's Kara Janx. LOVE her.

she introduced us to her cute fiance and she went NUTS over our baby girl. it was very sweet to see her gush because it seemed obvious that she wants a child. she is incredibly charming and friendly. i tried to jog her memory about already having met at the lesbian & gay journalist's party back in march. she was kind enough to sort of pretend to remember me ... she was thrilled to meet calvin and our daughter. she is one of those people (myself included) who are very affectionate and passionate with babies. i joked that sometimes i have to stop myself from eating her! she's just too cute sometimes, anyone would want to gobble her up. in one of these other blog entries - one of these days - i'm going to explore the whole phenomenon of how people joke about eating babies. it's a little odd.

but how fun to bump into a reality tv star. in my own neighborhood. and one that i admire. i asked about her now-famous wrap dress and she says it's a big hit and definitely keeps her busy. i think i'll try to find her website and send her some photos of our lil' gal. i think she'd appreciate that.

what a gorgeous day today ... my favorite thing is to pretend we're on vacation here in our own city. today's vacation moment: drinks by the pond in central park with a jazz band playing nearby. it was wonderful.

falling in love, again

2006-08-15T13:59:00.000-04:00

calvin and i are celebrating our anniversary today. 8 years since our first date. and yes, there is all sorts of mushy falling in love with each other, over and over again. but the real new budding love is with my new daughter.

she'll be 3 months old on the 25th and she's amazing & surprising us - more and more - every day. she holds up her neck extremely well and stares at everything. very curious. she's also starting to smirk, sneer, grin and pretty much smile.

i know, it's no big deal and not very interesting if it's not your kid. but this is the lil' bundle of joy that we've been talking about having for over 6 years. the lil' peanut who we'd feed every 3 hours for the first 2 months of her life! ... and, at the time, you never think of the next developmental stage. you just pray for more winks and ZZZs. so when she actually starts to EVOLVE. right in front of your eyes. um. well, it's a trip. a fantastic trip.

the best part is of course that she's been sleeping through the night for a few weeks now. if i believed in jinxes, i wouldn't even say that out loud! but i don't. the other night, she slept for 11 hours. i thought she might be experiencing a serious medical problem, but no. appears we have a good sleeper on our hands and we are so happy about it. of course, that could change any minute ...

she is cooing more and more and is starting to recognize us - her daddy and papa.

i can't wait until my parental leave starts again this friday!

also this week - our first meeting with our birthmom since the hospital! so looking forward to seeing her again!

Go Michael ... Go Michael ...

2006-08-14T11:56:00.000-04:00

I'm so proud of one of my favorite contestants on Project Runway, last week's winner: Michael. He of the genius coffee filter dress, one of the most underrated concoctions ever to appear on PR!

Now, he rocked the house with a magenta stunner - hot pants and all, perfect for the summer heat ... his inspiration? Pam Mother-Lovin' Grier.

He impresses. And of course I was pleasantly surprised by Angela's 'Audrey Hepburn' dress. She showed nice restraint and was true to her icon. And who could soon forget Kayne's leather and gauze 'Marilyn Monroe' dress? Pretty brilliant. Now, please. It's time for Vincent to go ...

Guide to NYC!

2006-08-07T11:05:00.000-04:00

We had family in town all weekend and oh! we had fun. I think we wore them out, traversing almost the entire manhattan island. It was my sister, her husband and their three gorgeous daughters:

Thursday
We hit Josie's for lunch and they hit the Empire State building in the afternoon while I finished up my work day. Then they came over to our place to see our baby girl and get some GREAT NEW YORK PIZZA!

Friday
Oh yes. We did it. The double-decker bus tour! We just had too. And you know what? It rocks. We took the blue one, Citisights. The red ones are way more crowded and a little more costly. It was great fun to see the city from this thrilling perspective. Drove by, under and over almost every great sight of the city, midtown and downtown. Playing tourist is awesome.

We hopped off at Battery park and walked around to see Lady Liberty and Ground Zero. Just so happens, some of the best playgrounds are over there in the North Battery (Rockefeller and Teardrop Parks). I should be a professional NYC family guide!

Hopped on the subway, back to the hotel (we caught "wine hour"!) and refreshed for the evening where my sis and her man went to Tavern on the Green for a nice, romantic dinner while Calvin and I babysat the three (plus our little one makes four) girls. We had a blast. Watched Lilo and Stitch and Barbie Diaries (like the OC for the junior high set) while eating Chinese food picnic-style in our living room.

Saturday
Three little words: AMERICAN GIRL PLACE. Overwhelming and trippy, but oh-so-sute. We walked up Fifth Ave and tried to fit in: Tiffany's, Disney Store, NBA store, Trump Tower, FAO Schwarz ... then Hot Dogs in Central Park. Rode the beautiful carousel. Hula Hooping at Bethesda Fountain. Strolled over the Bow Bridge and through the Ramble. Climbed up the to top of Belvedere Castle. Took pictures on the Alice in Wonderland statue.

Nap time.

Dinner at Virgil's BBQ in Times Square. So good!

Sunday
Brunch on the Upper West Side. Popover cafe would not take us because we had a stroller (our little peanut had to sleep after her breakfast) and they said no way! So we left and found an even better place: The Neptune Room! Great service, awesome food and plenty of room for our sleeping beauty.

We sped through the Natural History museum. Dinosaurs, the Blue Whale, the Giant Squid. Then they were off to see the matinee of WICKED - all except our youngest little niece who stayed with us. We took her to the Children's Museum of Manhattan and had a wonderful time chasing her around the Clifford and Dora exhibits.

We all met up later at our friend's house for more pizza (this time, from NINA'S! - one of the best pizzas ever!) and then tried to hit Serendipity3 for dessert. It must be phenomenal because there is always an obscenely long wait - this time it was 2 to 2 1/2 HOURS! yes. hours. We moved on to Dylan's Candy Bar which I love and their ice cream cones and sundaes did the trick - plus it's just a fun shop to show the kiddies.

Monday
Now they are off to Long Island to see the rest of the family for a few days.

What a great way for us to see and do so many things we don't normally do! And our little baby girl came with us the whole way - barely a peep or a cry. She was a dream. And a trooper. Very adventurous.

WOW

2006-08-01T13:24:00.000-04:00

i'm from phoenix. the hades of the west. and even i'm surprised by how hot it is out there ... and i must admit - i do love when people use the word "scorcher". such a great word. makes me think of a red, horned, cartoon devil - blissfully controlling the ungodly heat with his piercing pitchfork.

well, our baby girl has her first cold. it's really my fault for exposing her to my recent headcold germs, but actually we keep hearing it's the best thing for her. by being exposed to this nasty bug, she's building up a solid immune system and all that. but geeez. there's nothing more heart-tugging than a 2 month old baby wheezing and coughing. poor lil' darling.

on the search for a nanny now. some great leads. keep your fingers crossed.

looking forward to my sister and her family visiting this weekend! just in time for a little cooling off ...

PR

2006-07-29T17:43:00.000-04:00

yes, that stands for Project Runway! and yes, Malan is missed. he with his maniacal cackle and his creepy, lascivious eyebrows and his impossibly slick-shiny hair. i hope his mother isn't somewhere throwing his designs on the floor again. he had some Psycho/Manchurian Candidate issues anyway.

so ... now, dear little Katherine is gone. for going too simple on us. i understand. her dress was sweet, like a tame flavor of sorbet on a mild summer afternoon. nothing extreme and nothing daring. unremarkable. it just didn't measure up. by the way, i have a crush on allison. adorable and oh-so-inspired. and i would keep my eye on her and michael in the long run.

still can't seem to shake this headcold. it's starting to earn the title RELENTLESS.

talked to Mom last night. doing much, much better and back to her old funny self, for the most part.

still no smiling baby yet.

Gay News

2006-07-27T07:33:00.000-04:00

Disappointing, the ruling in Washington State. As well as the recent NY ruling. I'm so glad Calvin and I didn't wait until it was legal here to have our wedding ceremony. At the time, we assumed it might have been a year or two ... No, we went ahead and had it anyway. We had our (cup)cake and ate it too.

But at least LANCE BASS finally came out of the closet. No wonder the guy never spoke in interviews and had a perpetual goofy smile. Seriously. Must have been so hard to keep that secret while living in such a bright spotlight. But as soon as I saw him on Kathy Griffin's show, I think the cat was out of the bag right there. Good for him and his Amazing Race winning boyfriend! But, really, we ALL knew N'Sync was at least 25% gay, right?

Little Miss 2-Months-old Now is doing very well. She had all her shots the other day and only cried for a second. Then she looked around the room, very gravely, and was ready to go home for a nap. She did glance at me for a moment on the way out, as if she was saying "That lady, with the four needles ... Why? Why did you arrange such a ridiculous little piece of torture?!" Then her heavy eyelids took over.

early morning feeding ...

2006-07-21T07:15:00.000-04:00

still addicited to the new Keane and just over the moon with the new season of Project Runway. what better way to get our minds off of the horrible war(s) in the middle east! oy.

as for PR, i was kind of sad to see Malan go because he makes great, bizarre TV. very cartoonish guy. but tim gunn was being so kind when he said it looked like his dress was carved from a tree. i thought it looked like it was made from poo.

speaking of poo, baby girl is eight weeks old and doing great. still screaming every now and then. who knows why. maybe just cause she's a baby. she's starting to sleep through the night, mostly. i've learned that "through the night" means about six hours in baby/pediatician/new parent speak. not like the old days (well, 8 1/2 weeks ago) when i'd get a good 8 or 9 hours every night or so ...

mom's health is improving greatly. she's such a survivor!

we went to a picnic last weekend in vermont, hosted by our adoption agency. it was fantastic. met a lot of other families - so many adorable children. ours was one of the youngest. it was jarring to be in the country (we don't get out of the city much). so many incredible stars in the night sky. and so many bugs. i'm thrilled we got some relaxing/porch/picnic/swing time because, honestly, summer seems to be escaping me.

the Ups and the ...

2006-07-12T16:45:00.000-04:00

I can't really talk about the Downs so I'll focus on the Ups. Very excited about the new Keane album. It doesn't disappoint.

I'm a big fan of Try Again.

And of course I have to mention that I am just slap-happy about the return of PROJECT RUNWAY.

Of course I harbor tiny resentment towards Daniel Vosovic for never emailing me back but apparently he's busy gushing over Sarah Jessica Parker to remember lil' ol' me. That's okay. I'm focusing on the new season and the new chicsters/designer wannabes. Maybe we can get some cross-promotion this time ... Emmy dress for Kathy Griffin anyone??

Poor Kathy. I would've never pegged Matt as a sneaky thief, but you just never know.

On our way to Vermont this weekend for our adoption agency's annual retreat. Looking forward to meeting other adoptive, bi-racial and gay-dad families ...

Mom is doing much, much better. Off the ventilator and breathing easier.

Baby girl is just about seven weeks old. She definitely seems to recognize us now. Can't wait for her to smile!

the office

2006-07-06T11:26:00.000-04:00

always discomforting when life reflects art ... the kind of art that you don't want to live. like the tv show "the office". which i love to watch. but i hate to admit that i actually live.

raining again. what is with this crappy summer weather?? disappointed! (fish called wanda ... anyone?)

mom called me the other day. just about dropped the phone when i realized it was her. apparently her traech was converted to one that allows speech. so incredibly relieved that her health is improving. she's a true survivor. if she were in the poseidon adventure, she'd be red buttons.

baby girl is six weeks old today! she's getting big. very healthy and adorable. time is flying.

amazing to think our country is only 230 years old.

Sun's Out

2006-07-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

Nice. The Sun is back. Reason enough for celebration.

Baby starting to fix on things with her pensive gaze. She's getting big and seems to sleep a bit more at night (we're crossing our fingers that this is not a fluke ... praying that it is the beginning of the next phase ...) Trying to catch up with keeping good records and organizing photos and all that. Proving to be difficult. Calvin is just a complete godsend. Such a good, caring daddy and a huge, solid support for me with everything that's going on.

We've been blessed (and, yes, showered) with so many adorable gifts. It's been overwhelming and deeply moving. To see just how many people acknowledge our new addition and feel compelled to express their love and support. It's tremendous and we are aware how lucky we are. I can't wait for her to start playing and interacting with all this beautiful stuff.

As I write this and feel all the pure joy from our loved ones over the past five and 1/2 weeks ... I can't help but ache over the colossal car bombing today in Iraq. Makes me ill, what our troops have to go through. And the Iraqi civilians who just want to live their lives. It's as if my Joy gets distracted with Despair, so my mood is in limbo. Roaming back and forth toward both extremes but unable to commit to either.

I really want to see the Superman movie.

wet, wet june

2006-06-28T07:24:00.000-04:00

drizzly again. reminds me of my ol' seattle days. a soft melancholy haze with a hovering gray. but the rain here is more feisty and prefers to fall in sheets. hopefully, it will lighten up today.

baby girl is over 10 and 1/2 pounds! doing great. looking great. just want to eat her up, she's so stinkin' cute. she'll be five weeks old tomorrow. damn, damn, damn.

mom is doing better too. thankfully. the best time i had with her in the icu was singing along with her old favorite songs. mack the knife. i'll take manhattan. clang clang clang went the trolley. misty. she's an amazing woman. a true survivor. my suspicion is that she will live for another 20 years or more, she's so resilient! god willing. it is my hope that she's able to see our daughter grow up.

start my new job next week. looking forward to more change. as if there's not enough. calvin's done with his 1st year of medical school. i am so deeply proud of him.

back to our (somewhat, not really) normal life

2006-06-23T02:42:00.000-04:00

on our way back to NYC tomorrow night. mom is doing alright.

this trip has been equal parts horrible and marvelous. incredibly difficult to see my mom in such discomfort and disarray but it has been wonderful to spend time with my sister and her family. her three girls are impossibly adorable. we've had a lot of fun with all of them - despite the sobering tone of the visit.

i hope mom gains the strength to improve. she'll need to maintain an extremely positive attitude which, at times, has been very challenging. she and i have so much in common and one thing we both love to do is talk. it's extremely frustrating for her right now. she probably won't be able to speak for another month or so.

she'll have to be admitted to a rehab facility next week. probably for a few months. i hope and pray no longer than that.

baby girl has been doing well. i can't believe she's four weeks old!!

surprise surprise

2006-06-20T02:59:00.000-04:00

just when you thought you were completely stressed out, there's more stress. just when you thought you couldn't be any more tired, there's a whole new level of tired. and just when you thought it couldn't get any more depressing, it does.

looks like mom will have to receive tracheotomy surgery tomorrow. removal of the ventilator didn't go well and this is the best option for her, long-term. so we've been told.

i feel disconnected to the outside world. not used to feeling so ... upended.

baby girl seems fussier than usual. don't think she likes the 112 degree heat. i almost forgot what this intense heat feels like (over 12 years since i've lived here) ... it's amazingly oppressive.

mom

2006-06-17T19:38:00.000-04:00

things got worse on wednesday and i had to fly out to phoenix that same day. she's still stable but not looking good. it's a roller coaster ride. sometimes it looks hopeful. most of the time, it's grim. calvin's here with our baby girl. it's chaotic, stressful and exhausting but nothing compared to what my mom is going through.

good news

2006-06-14T03:54:00.000-04:00

havent been able to go back to sleep after baby's 2am feeding but at least things are looking up for mom. she's breathing 50% on her own which is 50% better than yesterday morning. her blood pressure has lowered and she looks more alert, from what i've been told. oh, relief. i hope the good news keeps on comin'.

pink elephants

2006-06-13T15:17:00.000-04:00

bought the new "BIG TOP" edition of DUMBO. really more for me than for my new daughter. naturally, she has a few years before she can grasp movie-watching but it is my favorite little kids' movie and thought she'd enjoy growing up with it. of course, i'm just looking forward to watching it again. although the emotional parts of the film about being separated from Mom ... might be tough.

no major updates on my mom. she's stable. that word again. i might need to fly out to the hometown country soon ...

calvin and i watched our wedding video last night over pizza and wine. had more fun doing that than going to a fancy restaurant. haven't watched it in a while and it was great to see again. only 2 years ago but so much has changed. calvin's completing his 1st year of med school this week and here we have an almost 3-week old baby girl. sometimes, the life i have is astounding to me. especially if i look at it from the perspective of my old teenage self. this is what i always pictured, more or less. but here it is. in full color and dimension. happening. right now.

most days - i feel like the luckiest man on earth. now let's just pray my mom pulls through this challenging period.

one ... singular sensation

2006-06-12T13:13:00.000-04:00

difficult to write today. mom not doing well. i'm finding escape in the movies on tv.

watching the atrocious "a chorus line" brings back scary memories of me and my dad seeing that movie back in '85 in the theatre. looking back, i can't quite imagine how it all went down but somehow he asked me, at the tender age of 13, which movie i'd like to see with him. we were on one of our father/son excursions in the aftermath of my parents' separation. i gotta give it to 'im. he tried to connect with me, tried to make an effort to get to know me. and there i was. picking one of the worst movies ever made. "Let me DANCE for you ... we made a lot of music, you and iiiiiiiiiiiiii." with gay chorus boys and drag queens talking about being molested. he must have felt ... a little ... awkward. perhaps.

but not as awkward as, later, when i brought home videos for me to watch with my mom and my brother. "'i've heard the mermaids singing" and "prick up your ears". yeah, those didn't go over very well. honestly, i wasn't aware at the time that they were both gay-themed movies. perhaps they spoke to me on some subconscious level in the video store. "pick me! i'll scare your mother and freak out your brother. i'll make you feel like a real film aficionado too and then you can stew to yourself: no one gets me!!" that's exactly what the videos said to me. of course, at that age, "prick up your ears" scared me too. um, still does actually.

waiting for news on mom. outlook is not good but trying to stay positive.

baby is doing very well. it is a crazy existence, i must say. i just took her out in the bjorn so i could have some adult human contact. even if it's just with the crazy duane reade cashier. as long as i get my fix (large iced coffee) and some fresh air. she loves the bjorn - falls asleep right away. now, we're back home, trying to get her back to sleep. wish us luck.

calvin and i got married 2 years ago today. :)

the telly

2006-06-10T18:30:00.000-04:00

somehow, i've become addicted to "entourage" and the history channel. the latter i can easily understand - i love nerdy doc-style shows on actual events. be it the civil war, sinking of titanic, walking with cavemen, anything to do with the jfk assassination ... but "entourage"?? i guess it qualifies as a guilty pleasure because i just don't quite fully comprehend the appeal of the show. all the main characters are a-holes (except i do have a soft spot for turtle ... he's just a nice guy from queens) and most of the women characters (obviously the publicist is an exception) are written mostly as interchangeable vacuous twits (oh and excluding ari's wife. love her). i'm sure the show is just lightly tapping into my subconcious dreams of being rich and famous in LA. which i dont think i'd necessarily enjoy except for the giant house in malibu.

and then it hits me. why am i even thinking about all of this? well, this is what happens when you stay home with a newborn. it's true escapism.

my mom is not recovering very well. she is "stable" which is hospital-speak for "hangin' in there" (which never sounds promising after surgery) but all of us are trying our best to stay positive and hopeful. she is having trouble breathing, her lungs aren't getting enough oxygen, so she's unable to speak. she may be back on a ventilator soon.

so ... i'm really far away from home and am unable to speak with her directly. and the nurse just told me earlier today that too many of us (relatives) are calling the hospital, so i must refrain from doing so ...... great. that helps a lot. not like i feel helpless or anything.

back to the telly. i saved a show about those curious little human hobbits on the dvr.

always changing

2006-06-09T11:40:00.000-04:00

our baby daughter looks a little different every day. wild how she keeps reinventing herself, all those brand new skin cells - working hard, night and day. she still has the scrumptious cheeks but her eyes seem to be getting bigger and more expressive. she is, i must admit (forgive me), a gorgeous baby.

i can't believe two weeks have already passed. the baby schedule has become almost routine. after her 11pm or so feeding, which i usually do, we all crash. then of course she wakes up around 2 or 3AM wantin' more. that's my feeding too - while calvin is still in school. then he gets up for the 6 or 7 (sometimes 5) AM feeding before his class starts at 8. and so on. every three hours or so.

everything is looking good though. she is healthy and eating well. this stage is odd though. no smiling, laughing - all those things babies do in the movies. she's just a little peanut who stares or cries or sleeps or moans or winces. it's easy to forget that this is exactly what newborns do - and nothing more.

looking forward to the smiles and laughs down the road ...

sugar ... and spice

2006-06-03T19:29:00.000-04:00

i like how the old phrase doesn't just stop at sugar. little girls are not just sweet and lovely. this little girl adds so much spice to life here. in the best possible sense.

she loves the swing, especially when its on the absolute highest speed. it looks a little daunting but i guess she's been used to moving around a lot in her momma's tummy. who knows, she may be a roller coaster fanatic someday. she sleeps very well at night now that i have a little radio playing static next to her. i heard it replicates the sounds of the womb.

i can't believe she's over a week old already!! how time escapes us.

separated at birth?

2006-06-01T11:10:00.000-04:00

too tired to write much

2006-05-30T17:50:00.000-04:00

zzzzzzz.

i was just thinking how wonderful a bouncy seat would be for adults and then realized that la-z-boy already thought of that ... as did the sharper image.

lots of piss, poop and formula. just had the first ped appt and she is doing really well. am going to try to nap now, although i find it hard to relax. my mom is having double bypass heart surgery today and i am, to say the least, On Edge.

hoping and praying for the best ...

kingston & shiloh

2006-05-28T07:48:00.000-04:00

so our baby girl was born on thursday. on friday, gwen stefani gave birth to a baby boy named kingston and apparently angelina jolie had her baby yesterday. a girl named shiloh. i see a group playdate in the future ...

our little one is doing well. eating lots and not crying too often. she's really beautiful and of course smells like heaven. she likes to coo and wince and seems to dig my big band/jazz playlist on the ipod.

went for our first trip outdoors yesterday. to the park. i forgot to anticipate the strange, confused stares. but we're used to those i guess. most people are just in awe to see such a brand new lil' peanut, no matter who's pushing the stoller. they smile and OOOOh and AAAAh. and she just sleeps and sleeps.

she's here!

2006-05-27T03:22:00.000-04:00

after two flat tires, one parking ticket, one identity theft (mine) and almost 24 hours after mom's water broke ... our baby girl joined the world. she's a vision of perfection. she coo-coos and scrunches her lips. she has the chubbiest, yummiest cheeks. and yes we're up in the middle of the night, our first night with her, feeding our little one.

at birth (early thurs AM) she was 21 inches long and weighed 8 lbs. 5 ozs. her mom is doing very well (what a superhero!) and both daddy and papa here are in absolute heaven.

more soon.

any minute now

2006-05-23T07:14:00.000-04:00

the weekend has come and gone and we are still on high alert. with my free time, i've been organizing all the amazing and adorable clothes we've received from friends and tidying up the apartment - mostly while calvin is studying for his tests.

when he's not studying, we both try to do things that we soon won't be able to do. such as, spontaneous movie outings (well, ANYthing spontaneous), lazy sundays on the couch with the paper, aimless strolls throughout the city and the park, and my favorite - sleeping 8 or 9 hours a night without interruption. i think i'll miss that.

our birthmom's due date is tomorrow and i couldn't be more excited and nervous. i've imagined how we'll get the call and get ourselves to the car rental place a few hundred times now. nothing like overplanning.

and finally i think we settled on a name.

packed bags

2006-05-17T20:30:00.000-04:00

we're ready to go now. one week until due date (!!!) though even the doc thinks baby girl is a-comin' early ... so, i decided to get the overnight bag ready just in case we get the call, say, tonight or tomorrow. i just packed up the diaper bag, too. my god the newborn diapers are tiny. i know, iknow. newborns are tiny.

my "neighbor" with the gargantuan telly is at it again. looks like it may be Lost or American Idol (i know, they look nothing alike from afar - but there are just alot of cuts and dramatic close-ups), neither of which i've been able to get into. still addicted to Seconds from Disaster on Natl Geo Channel and of course the Daily Show. and counting the days until the next Project Runway (july 12th from what i heard).

saw a charming documentary on louise brooks today. the madonna (or maybe angelina) of the 1920s. such a fascinating life - bratty, talented, beautiful - seemed to live life on the edge but somehow made it to her 78th year and, by that time, found world-wide recognition as a true legend. lived her last years in peace ... in rochester, of all places. actually, rochester sounds like a peaceful place. interesting that, at one time, she lived at 59th street and 1st avenue. not too far from our window on the world.

wondering if we'll have a chance to catch one more movie (in the theatre) before baby arrives. if i don't, i think i'll be ok. not much out right now that excites me.

despite the rain

2006-05-16T21:50:00.000-04:00

i do love my big new york city. even when it's dark and wet, this island amazes me with its sheer volume and complexity.

there's this one neighbor - - well, not a neighbor, per se, but a person who lives in an apartment that is visible from my living room, several blocks away - - who has the most gigantic television i've ever seen. he's far away enough that i can't make out the exact show or movie that he's watching (though, for a second, i swore i saw frodo), but it appears as if his entire wall is one colossal screen.

calvin just made the most delicious dinner. i'm so grateful for him and can't wait to see him as a father.

ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-CHANGES

2006-05-15T11:06:00.000-04:00

infant car seat. check. swing and bouncy seat. check, check. baby bathtub. check. yes, our apartment looks different now. the concept that another human being will be joining our life (and our shared square footage) becomes more and more real with every item that enters the door. a physical reminder that she (yes, she!) will be here soon.

saw sandra bernhardt this past weekend (thanks again boys!). admittedly, i'm very late to the party that is sandra b, so my revelations are sure to seem old to most of you and i've heard much buzz that she is "past her prime", whatever that means. but i enjoyed her bizarre command of the stage immensely. she's so accessible i felt as if she was going to sit down for an informal Q&A afterwards and share a few drinks and quips with those of us who are cool enough. not that I am, but I fantasize that I am. wish her, her GF and her daughter would come over for brunch. along with daniel vosovic.

we're still discussing names but i can tell you the ones that have been vetoed:
twyla (one of my favorites)
gilda
zoe
marlo
zelda
rhoda
maisie
avery
auden

it's been a house of men for many years now. how refreshing that a girl is moving in! our best wishes to all moms out there. happy mother's day, a bit belated.

A week and a half!

2006-05-12T17:03:00.000-04:00

Very excited. Getting ready. Freaking out ... in the best possible way.

Saw 'Poseidon' last night. Very stressful, those disaster movies. It was fun in a cheesy way. Trying to see a few movies before Lil' Baby arrives.

Very much looking forward to being a dad.

less than 4 weeks to go!

2006-04-28T14:17:00.000-04:00

everything is looking good. i'm terribly fond of the woman who is to be our birthmom. she's funny, sharp and friendly. she let me feel her tummy while the baby was kicking the other day. how perfect that i first felt her kick in a large corner booth at a red lobster. it was magical.

fingers crossed

2006-04-20T16:50:00.000-04:00

everything is still looking very good. i can't believe how fast this is happening, but we're nothing but thrilled. hoping to talk to our wonderful birthmom again tonight.

started listening to david sedaris on my ipod (nothing beats his imitation of billie holiday singing the oscar meyer jingle) while cleaning house and while commuting to and from work. this has helped me relax and, of course, laugh. maybe i can try this during midnight feedings. i'm assuming i won't be able to flick on the tv and catch up on my seconds from disaster, the sopranos and the daily show at 3am. unless i intend on waking up calvin ... and getting my future daughter addicted to raunchy and/or macabre tv shows.

i'll try it out and see how it goes.

less than five weeks 'til stork arrives!

i think it's safe to say

2006-04-14T10:55:00.000-04:00

... it appears we're going to be dads soon!

We got a call last week (before we even had a chance to advertise) through our attorney. We met her, the birthmom. It was wonderful - as if we'd already known her. Great connection. She's due in a few weeks!!

Not sure if I'll have much time to write now ... but please keep fingers crossed.

so far ...

2006-04-08T22:28:00.000-04:00

things are looking good. "So far, so good" is my new mantra.

e.e.

2006-04-04T13:56:00.000-04:00

i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart) i am never without it (anywhere i go
you go, my dear; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling) i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet) i want no world (for beautiful
you are my world, my true) and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant and
whatever a sun will always sing
is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows (here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher
than soul can hope or mind can hide) and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

Spring has Sprung

2006-03-31T15:34:00.000-05:00

Spring came this week. Glorious entrance. Calvin's test seem to be going well. My work has been calming down a bit ever since my business trip last week. Time to get into high-gear! We have so much work to do ...

Still figuring exactly what we want to include in our profile and our classified ad. Still working on the name change. Should be legal in another couple of weeks.

Reading the NY mag cover story this week on "Grups". Glad I got rid of my messenger bag years ago but, overall, interesting take on this fairly new phenomenon. I don't wear converse sneakers or rock t-shirts, listen to Interpol or the Hives so I guess I'm not a grup. I do enjoy wearing a nice blazer and slick dress shoes with jeans, listen to Spoon, Rufus Wainwright, Keane, old soul music and lots of other stuff that I'm sure I'll play for my child one day ... I don't really care too much about what's in or what's cool. I'm horrified to hear people spending more than $100 on a pair of jeans. Now, that's just sad.

I think the heart of the story is more about what is cool for 30+ parents and what does it say about us if we impress what we think is cool onto our chilren. Really depends on the parent.

so glad you asked

2006-03-26T10:47:00.000-05:00

my favorite music to listen to while i go running? green day: american idiot

my favorite music to dance to? marvin gaye or early michael jackson

my favorite tv show? the daily show and seconds from disaster ... of course it was project runway but now that's, sadly, over for now

my favorite relatively-new band? keane and the bravery

my favorite "oldie" right now? depeche mode: I just can't get enough. Was my favorite song when I was a youngin' ... again this is michael writing because calvin is too busy studying kidneys and such. thankfully, his spring break is just a month away (!!!!).

this just in ... calvin's favorite music to listen to while running: the bravery, some latin song called torerro and some remix of a song by the gossip with le tigre ...

name changes and conference calls

2006-03-19T09:29:00.000-05:00

we're changing our last names. we just went to civil court last week to turn in the paperwork, expecting to submit two separate applications. lo and behold, new york city recognizes us as FAMILY.

Allow me to say that again, because it still surprises me. NYC recognizes the two of us as family members, for this purpose anyway. Instead of 2, we only had to submit one application (and only had to pay one $65.00 fee) with both of our names on it because we registered to be domestic partners over 4 years ago. Small recognition, I know - but profound nonetheless. A tiny glimmer of hope.

So we go back to court to face a judge in a few weeks. There, we will officially state why we are changing our last names. One reason, really: We both want to share the same last name as our future child. This will help us logistically (while traveling/filling out paperwork/parent teacher meetings) but also will be an undeniable gesture of our commitment - to each other and to our new family.

people's reactions to this are pretty much all over the map. some think it a little strange - that we are in our early to mid 30s and changing our last names is a bit unconventional. most folks are very supportive but still fascinated with such a big change.

we chose an old family name, rich with intricate history and sentimentality. i guess things like this are just completely subjective. it makes perfect sense to us. neither of us are deeply attached (emotionally or otherwise) to our current last names.

our recent conference call with our wonderfully knowledgable adoption attorney went very well. we're learning all about the next steps: acquiring a 1-800 phone number and developing a budget for advertising - both online and classified ads. we're working hard on our "brochure" which is basically a little lifestory of each of us - individually and as a couple. This, when finished, we will send out to expectant parents who are considering an adoption plan for their baby.

However, the initial connection is usually made when the birthparent(s) see our 1-800# in an ad in the back of a newspaper or at a medical clinic, or an online posting, through word-of-mouth, on a local community bulletin board, or they could just email us from this blog. Who knows. I'm a little nervous about handling the calls but at the same time I'm excited and looking forward to them.

Help us spread the word if you can! We hope to be certified by NY state to be adoptive parents within the next month or two ...

Daniel Vosovic

2006-03-17T15:52:00.000-05:00

I met him last night at a benefit party and talked his ear off a little bit. I have to say - what a sweet, warm and all-around great guy. Kara was there too. They both were fun and very friendly and seemed to be truly enjoying the "Project Runway" spotlight. I'm glad for them.

I toasted 'Mazel Tov' for Kara who just recently got engaged. It was a refreshingly unpredictable night, typical of New York City. Makes me love living here all the more.

Did you know?

2006-03-15T09:26:00.000-05:00

Most folks don't realize that gay people are not allowed to adopt internationally. An expert recently told us the only exception right now is Guatemala. Laws are (hopefully/ideally) always evolving so this may change but we do get the question a lot: are you adopting internationally or domestically?

Well, we are adopting domestically because we are well aware of the thousands of children born right here in the US who need loving parents and a good home. We would certainly consider Guatemala if we have difficulties adopting here but right now we are planning an open, independent, domestic adoption.

I know, it's crazy! It makes no sense. Romania, Korea, China, Russia - I am sure they all have an unimaginable number of kids who also need homes but the only way I could adopt from one of these places is if I lie and tell the country officials that I am not gay but in fact am a straight, single man. I personally could never do that.

Who would ever believe that anyway? A straight, single man in New York City? Wanting to adopt a child? With a 32 year-old male "roommate"? Who has been a "roommate" for almost 8 years??

In fact, we've also been told that China, Korea and most other countries will not even allow single, straight people to adopt anymore for fear that they are gay people who are lying to them. It's just nuts.

And then there's Florida. Our very own "sunshine" state bans gay adoption. Most Americans don't know that either, I find. Yes, it's ILLEGAL FOR ME TO ADOPT CHILDREN in the state of Florida. How 1860s is that? How Chinese is that?

Of course, our ability to adopt here in our own country is under constant threat every single day. But there are sometimes signs of hope:
http://www.hrc.org/Template.cfmSection=Get_Informed1&Template=
/ContentManagement/ContentDisplay.cfm&ContentID=31278

checks and balancing

2006-03-13T14:33:00.000-05:00

fingerprint cards - check
medical approvals - check
financial statements - check
lists of former residences - check
lists of education and employment history - check
letters of reference - check
copies of insurance cards, w2 forms & tax returns - check
copies of birth certificates - check
copies of domestic partnership certificate - check
signed and notarized petition - check

now the court has almost everything that they need to grant certification. in 3 weeks or so, it'll also have our homestudy and the submission will be complete. i'm hoping that means we'll be certified around may ... ?

now we are trying to balance work on our networking letter, brochure and classified ads - all the while legally changing our names, so that we all will share the same last name. it's all going very well. time keeps flying by and we keep making strides in the process ...

Honey Cake

2006-03-08T20:06:00.000-05:00

Our 2nd and last homestudy was this afternoon and it went really well. Just like last time, I ran across the street to one of my favorite delis and bought this delicious little honey cake so I could have something to offer our social worker. He loved it. We loved it. To make things even more appetizing, Calvin made his popular gaucamole. Threw some blue chips in a bowl ... Anything we can do to make this experience as pleasant as possible.

And good food always helps.

found some more wedding photos (june 04)

2006-03-04T09:30:00.000-05:00

calvin, his sister ronda (our wedding minister) and michael, getting the vows started

2006-03-04T09:28:00.000-05:00

support group

2006-03-01T10:53:00.000-05:00

we joined a new support group last night, focusing on all sorts of issues, fears and concerns about the adoption process. the experience opened my eyes to just how many different paths there are to parenthood. astounding to think of all the energy and work that go into the pursuit, the journey of becoming a parent.

how refreshing to meet other people going through similar experiences but with different circumstances. the whole experience for me feels different now. it's deeper, more serious and sobering.

Names

2006-02-27T22:33:00.000-05:00

of course it could be awhile before we are parents, but we actually decided on names. it seems surprisingly easy that we've agreed and decided already. perhaps, they will change by the time Baby comes.

we're both in the process of changing our last names too. we picked a family name - from my side - so that all three of us will have the same name.

our 2nd homestudy is next week. i believe our petition should be reaching the court about now. i think all the easy stuff, the paperwork, is over. (hard, but easy comparitively speaking) the really hard part is coming, i have no doubt. the waiting, the hoping.

I am not in mourning

2006-02-21T09:39:00.000-05:00

Why do I feel infertile? Because almost every book or article on adoption tells me how I should mourn my infertility.

Like almost everything else in life, I have to filter and dissect whatever I take in, so that I can find the part that speaks directly to me and my experience. As a gay man, I've become a pro at this.

More Snow

2006-02-18T11:45:00.000-05:00

There are flakes lightly falling as I write this. Over a foot fell last weekend - then we had two days this week with a high of around 55 degrees. It kind of feels like when the villain on General Hospital had a giant weather machine and threatened all of Pine Valley with his meteorological powers ... That, of course, was back in the 80s. In the Luke & Laura and the Dr. Noah Drake (aka Rick Springfield) days.

So I guess I should point out what is probably obvious ... I (Michael) am always writing these entries because Calvin is too consumed with his studies. He's in the midst of his 2nd semester of medical school. Lots of disgusting anatomy stuff on the computer these days. Anyway, if this blog seems one-sided, that's because it is. If Calvin wants to counter anything said here, I'm sure he'll get to it in 2009 sometime.

It stopped snowing already. No blizzard today.

What a week

2006-02-17T10:34:00.000-05:00

It's been a long but great week. We have our taxes in order, our petition to send to the court is 99% ready to go and our first homestudy went extremely well. Also, Calvin just celebrated a birthday and we just paid off our final credit card payment.

Wow.

I'm letting it all sink in.

Hard work, finally paying off. Feels really good.

Paperwork is exhausting

2006-02-12T18:45:00.000-05:00

so the blizzard wasn't ferocious per se - just bountiful. the city is caked with white icing and its pretty beautiful. at least from my window. the paperwork however is ferocious.

this week, we have meetings with both the taxman and our social worker (for our homestudy). also, we're getting all the paperwork ready for the court petition - which our attorney will submit this week. i've been staring at and sorting through papers all day - i feel as if i've been at work. the only silver lining is that i could watch the project runway marathon today while i worked - instead of just parking it at my cubicle.

now, i have to get working on writing our networking letter, our "dear birthparent(s)" letter and our profile ... i just keep thinking - all this tedious paperwork basically leads to changing poopy diapers. i'll take poopy diapers over paperwork any day.

Majestic

2006-02-11T17:31:00.000-05:00

Now there's a fun word. Majestic. I just realized today that the top of the Four Seasons hotel is visible from our living room window. And it is majestic. Especially right now. The sun has just descended behind the skyline and a soft, light snow has begun falling. It is illuminated through the flurried mist like a giant crown.

Tonight, the entire city is bracing itself for what is being called a ferocious blizzard.

Our Wedding Invitation

2006-02-10T15:23:00.000-05:00

At about the five year point in our relationship (Summer of 2003) we decided to throw ourselves a party. We planned to have all our favorite people there. We would exchange vows, then rings. And of course there would be our favorite music playing. Lots of dancing and toasting and celebration ... sounded an awful lot like a wedding. So why not call it that? Yep, we wed.

This is what we came up with as our wedding invitation, back in the Spring of 04.

We helped design it but our pal Mel (design whiz!) really deserves credit for making this happen. We set out for a fun, unique and appropriately cheesy look.

It seemed to accurately reflect not only our personalities and our relationship but also what our guests could expect: a fun, unique, informal, romantic wedding. We got hitched on June 12 of that year. Here, in New York. So it is a "paperless" marriage.

10 Favorite Movies from the 80s

2006-02-07T13:58:00.000-05:00

in no order ...

Blue Velvet
The Right Stuff
Raging Bull
Tootsie
Broadcast News
Victor Victoria
Another Woman
The Color Purple
Amadeus
Coal Miner's Daughter

Homestudy

2006-02-07T13:45:00.000-05:00

Our first homestudy is scheduled next week. I'm excited and looking forward to it. Apparently the social worker will be asking us two hours worth of questions. Imagine if everyone had to go through all this to become parents.

By the way ...

2006-02-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

Albondigas (see post 1/28) is a Mexican meatball soup. Highly recommended. Calvin makes his using turkey instead of beef.

East Village, a few years ago ...

2006-02-05T22:47:00.000-05:00

Calvin used to wear glasses all the time then. Contact lenses soon came into play.

My top 10 movies of the 90s

2006-02-05T15:38:00.000-05:00

(in no particular order):

Goodfellas
Groundhog Day
Fargo
Breaking the Waves
Reservoir Dogs
Safe
All About My Mother
Howard's End
Beauty and the Beast
One False Move

Movin' Along

2006-02-03T19:11:00.002-05:00

Things are indeed moving along. This week, we sent in our initial adoption client form to our attorney. Sure to be the first in a long series of paperwork submissions. Hopefully, we filled out everything correctly. Our first homestudy is in a week and a half. Our letters of recommendation are being whipped up. I make an effort not to look at baby stuff. But seriously. Who could resist that tiny t-shirt in the catalog with the big dinosaur on it ...

We attended a gay and lesbian group meeting last night for wanna-be parents. It was a comforting and refreshing social outlet though most of the attendees were less able to enlighten us with practical insight than we expected, as they mostly fell into the i-want-to-be-a-parent-i'm-pretty-sure-but-what-the-heck?-how-do-i-start?? category. Right now, I'd say we're more under the banner: he's-daddy-and-i'm-papa-hand-over-the-kid-and-i'll-start-swaddlin'. Yeah, we're ready for this. It's been about six years since we first talked about starting a family. It's definitely time.

I'm re-reading "The Kid". It's a classic.

I'm so happy Daniel Vosovic won AGAIN on Project Runway. He was one of my "favored few" early on and I think he rocks the designer look better than anyone else on the show.

I wonder what our kid will look like.

Most Days ...

2006-01-28T19:04:00.000-05:00

... there isn't much to say other than: I can't believe how much goes into this process.

THE THINGS IN LIFE THAT MAKE THIS WAIT WORTHWHILE:

-the thought of being able to raise a child with such a sweet, classy fella in the greatest city in the world

-weekly doses of Project Runway, the greatest TV show of our time

-seeing Calvin in his white lab coat, on his way to class

-new music: Spoon, the Flaming Lips, the Bravery, Gorillaz, Keane, Weezer

-Dan Savage's latest book, "The Commitment"

-"Families Like Mine", another great book on gay parenting

-Knowing "Brokeback Mountain" will win Best Picture and foster dialogue for years to come (the real daring love story would be two gangsta rappers in love!)

-ridiculously bad TV shows like "Best Week Ever" on VH1

-Lisa Loeb's new dating reality show "#1 Single"

-my new Levi's jeans

-Calvin's Albondigas soup

-Today's spring-like weather

-coffee

Dinnertime at our friend's house! Dec 2005

2006-01-19T19:37:00.000-05:00

My favorite photo of Calvin - in Barcelona - June 2004

2006-01-19T19:35:00.000-05:00

Our Wedding Ceremony - June 2004

2006-01-19T19:31:00.000-05:00

dinner party with friends and their kids -- Oct 2005

2006-01-15T18:59:00.000-05:00

michael & calvin with two of our nieces -- Dec 2005

2006-01-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

And Away We Go ...

2006-01-15T13:46:00.000-05:00

Here it is January. The paperwork started in early November when we first contacted our attorney: "We'd like to start the adoption process. We're ready to become parents." And so it began.

We're about halfway through our forms. Collecting our letters of recommedation and doctor approval letters, our fingerprint records and our net worth statement, our list of every past residence and our inevitable (but not required by the state) list of possible baby names.

We're in the midst of reading several books purporting to cover the entire scope of this process. An impossible task, to be sure. As a gay couple, specific guidelines and bits of advice for our relatively unique situation are rarely addressed in most popular adoption books. We both read Dan Savage's "The Kid" when it was first published many years ago and we couldn't agree more with the way he colored the plight of gay adoptive parents: where most straight adoptive parents are likely afflicted with shame and defeat at approaching the adoption option (after biology and infertility have probably failed them) we are thrilled and bursting with pride at this prospect. We feel ecstatic, lucky and grateful. Even at this early stage.

Calvin and I met in August of 1998. In Seattle. I was already planning a move to New York City to pursue a life in the theatre. Unbeknowst to me at the time, he was also considering a move to the big(ger) city to further his education. Apparently, he'd exhausted all of the academic institutions in the Pacific Northwest! We dated for about nine months before we both realized that we were falling. We both fell hard. I had a hard time accepting this definition of love: soft, kind, gentle, caring, constant. I was confident that love was dramatic, noisy and Oscar-worthy. Luckily, opposites not only attract, they meld.

I moved to NYC in September of 1999 and he soon followed in January of 2000. We moved in together the next month and have been a very close, affectionate couple ever since.

We have both always wanted to be parents. Calvin, a former social worker and current medical student, has worked with many kids, as have I. I used to perform in theatre for children and used to teach theatre classes for kids. Fortunately, we are blessed with many little tykes in our family as well: nephews, nieces, dear friends' children, neighbors' kids. We have clocked quite a few hours preparing for our own little bundle of joy: changing diapers, cleaning spit-up, dancing, singing, playing hide and seek, and reading many, many books. Recently, on a visit to my side of the family, I had a blast showing my three nieces how to play some fun theatre games. We look so forward to sharing all of this with a new lil' arrival to our family!

So - a few more months to go until we are able to get certified. We've got to get back to work.

Thank you for your interest and time.